{trying to} let go

i had planned today to write a really wonderful post about letting go and moving on. but i'm really not ready to do it. i would be writing about what i want to happen, but my heart wouldn't be in it. so i've decided not to write about happiness and moving on. that would just be hypocritical.

i'm doing pretty good right now. mostly because my coworker brought me a slice of pepperoni, sausage, bacon pizza. and we all know that pizza = happiness. i'm pretty sure it's impossible to eat pizza and be sad at the same time. but maybe it is. speaking of food, last night i made this Ready to Eat chocolate chip cookie dough recipe. it's not that i don't want to eat raw eggs (i have been eating raw cookie dough since i could walk and i've been just fine), but i didn't want to have to make a whole batch of cookie dough that only i would eat, and this recipe makes a single serving. i doubled it so i got some for today. booyah. i used whole wheat flour instead of white, and i used water instead of milk.
ok! enough talk of food, down to my feelings and junk (mostly because people seem to comment slash read more when i write philosophical, emotionally driven posts. . . apparently my day to day life is not exciting.)

it's easy to talk about the unimportant stuff. like pizza, chocolate chip cookie dough, cute stuff you found in Pinterest, or your favorite summertime activity. it's hard, for me, to talk about stuff like being hurt, feeling confused, moving on, and being impatient. mostly because it's my fault that i'm not moving on. people i talk to have the expression of "giiiirl, get over yourself. we all get hurt. now move on. we are all sick of hearing about how you loved and lost." i feel like people think i should be back on the dating bandwagon- confidant, spunky, and flirtatious. i hear people saying things like "it will work out when it's the right one" or "it's only going to hurt until it is the right guy." and sometimes i want to throw this back in their face because i know that if it was a trial of theirs that they had a really hard time understanding, they wouldn't want me (an outside, inexperienced observer) telling them how to think, feel and do.

and the thing is, i know that they are right. in the deepest part of my heart, i know that one day i will have all my dreams come true. "God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as he always has. But he can't if you don't pray, and he can't if you don't dream. In short, he can't if you don't believe" (Jeffrey R. Holland.)

but it's not as simple as that. a part of me wants to scorn men. forgo being the endlessly rejected girl, to being the brazen breaker of men's hearts. be so fabulous that every one wants me or wants to be me. making all those heart breakers of the past regret their decision to let me go. toying with men everywhere but crushing their hopes of dating me.

are you laughing? i am, a little. i'm not that girl. i'm not a scorner or a heart breaker. i'm a people pleaser. the girl who wants to change the world. the girl who hates to see people in pain. i'm a dreamer. and a fighter. and then i realized, that who i am is the part of me that will never change, no matter how many times i get hurt or how many times i have to start over.

i don't know when i will be able to let go. it's not so easy as it seems. i want closure. i want resolution. i want my questions answered. i want to know if there is still a chance. i hate seeing relationships (of any kind) die because i am unfailingly loyal and i am not a quitter. but maybe it's time to cut my losses, recognize that i chose someone who was not right for me, and quit. not because i did something wrong. or even that he did something wrong. but because it wasn't right.   

i hope i can let go soon. the pain (and the eating of sweets) is really starting to pay a toll. it is emotionally draining. all the cute sayings and pictures on pinterest make letting go seem so easy. but it's not! it's maddening. scary. and sad. 

how can i let go? how can i refill my days with happiness and laughter? how can i take the peace i receive each morning through prayer and scripture study, and carry it with me throughout the day? how can i recognize the good parts of the relationship and not focus on the ending? how can i look to the past without bitterness? how can i forgive him but not forget?

*please bless that my weekend provides some relief from all these questions*